I’ve just got back from my first solo rhyme time; it was a nerve wracking experience to say the least. This is not the first rhyme time I have ever been to, I lost my RT virginity a while ago at the big library in town but that time I had Fergotron to hide behind. She was a regular back then, I was just a rookie; an observer really nervously shielding myself behind the belief I was ok as I was with a mum. Today though, I was a dad alone in a mother’s universe.
If anyone is a big fan of Monty Python then, aside from being due a high five you might also be the owner of a CD of their music. A hit and miss album but some vintage classics – the penis song for one always brings a smile to my face (no pun intended). But there is a song called I’m So Worried , which I find popping into my head most regularly lately, but unfortunately the lyrics that fill the tune in my subconscious are not quite so light-hearted.
Today I am not happy. I’m not in a bad mood; I’m not angry or hateful. I’m just not happy. I’m not profoundly miserable either of course. There is a melancholy hanging over me, partly brought on by the weather. I get down in the autumn and winter although I do like the colours and the jumpers. But it gets to me, the dark days, the endless grey and the drizzle. I can feel the seasons changing. I’m also feeling stuck at work. In the past I would whimsically leave a job and find a new one, but now I have to be responsible, I don’t only have myself to care about. But mostly, I wish I could be a normal grown up, get on with things and make mature reasonable choices. I thought this would come with age, I was sure there was a point where suddenly the world made sense and you knew how to make the right decisions but lately, if anything, I seem to be feeling more lost and confused with every facet of my life, and of myself.